We recently went from a family of four to a family of five. I’m back at work, navigating spending time with my family and working, working on the “business” side of our family with my husband as well the relationship side. Trying to figure out how we work as a family of five.

I started to notice it this past Mother’s Day, but it was probably there before — comments calling me, “supermom,” or saying, “I don’t know how you do it all.” While well intentioned, these comments are not helpful. I’m away at a conference by myself, and I’ve had some time to think about these comments.

“I don’t know how you do it all.” A few things there — I definitely don’t “do it all.” More on that later.

I do it the same way you do anything else, by just doing it. You have another little life to take care of, and you do just do it. No one gives you a manual (as much as I wish they would) about how to raise kids and keep yourself sane. I’m trying to figure it out every day, realizing I have to grapple with my own high internal locus of control and just let a lot of things go in order to make life function. So if you don’t know how I do it? That’s fine, neither do I, I’m figuring it out.

I certainly don’t “do it all.” I have someone come to my house once a week to prep fruit/veg for me, and clean. Dinner has becomes a question of, “can I put it together in 15 minutes? Yes — it’s on our menu.” I have a baby sitter that comes every week when my partner isn’t there. I use TV and screens every day to help my kids relax at the end of the night, and “pause” them while I put the baby to bed. I don’t make elaborate games for them to play, or sensory activities (though I have been known to put together some oobleck for them to play with…). I used to feel very guilty about this (and sometimes I still do?) but frankly, you can’t do it all in the same way for kid one, kid two, and then finally kid three. Saying that I do is disingenuous to overlap of motherhood and humanity — most can’t “do it all” and maintain themselves as a person.

“Supermom,” a ficitionalized version of a mom who can “do it all,” cook, clean, work (inside or outside the home), smile, be pleasant, never raise her voice to her kids, and gently parent them to a successful and happy future — all without a break. She is the key to her family, holding it all together — this idea that without mom, it would all fall apart. I don’t want to be that — it’s too much for one person to be the lynchpin holding the whole contraption together. The pressure there is so high and frankly, if that’s how my family dynamic worked, I would not have kids.

Supermom is not a reasonable compliment for me, and perpetuates the idea that moms are the center of the family and don’t need a break to be healthy, present humans for their family. It’s not fair to my partner who is an equal partner. There are things he is better at, and things I am better at and we take on those loads disproportionately, but neither of us individually is a super parent. And we both frankly, need a break and need to be okay asking for a break.

I get that most people don’t put too much thought into these comments when they make them, but as the recipient, I think about it a lot. So let’s next time, reach for different compliments.

“You are doing an awesome job” “You are a rock star” “You’re doing great” “I appreciate what you do for our family” “Your are doing great, can I give you time to do _______” fill in the blank.